Although not a joyous occasion, the Jewish tradition of sitting shiva is the final tradition and way of honoring the most important people. Information on the how and the why of this custom is detailed for those facing this challenging time.  

First, we are sorry you’re here. Of course we’re glad you’re here getting the information and support you need at this difficult moment. As my Jewish grandma would say, nor af simchas, which roughly translates to you should only have happiness.

But you’re here and we’re here, so we’d like to help.

When a close relative—mother, father, sister, brother, son, daughter, or spouse—dies, Jews follow a number of traditions. You may have seen someone wearing a black ribbon with a small tear in it after the death of a loved one. Many years ago, Jewish people would rend the clothes they were wearing when they learned of the death of one of the relatives mentioned above. This is still common practice in the Orthodox Jewish community. In more liberal Jewish communities, the ribbon symbolizes the torn clothing and serves as an outward symbol of mourning.

Perhaps the most well-known tradition associated with Jewish death and mourning—and the place where you can be the most help—is the practice of sitting shiva, which was first mentioned thousands of years ago in the Torah.

Why Sitting Shiva

Shiva is the Hebrew word for seven. After burial, Jewish families live in an acute stage of mourning for seven days—not working, not greeting guests, not shaving, or doing much more than the minimum needed to sustain life. It’s customary for the mourners to sit on low stools or benches or even the ground, a physical reminder that the death has brought them to a low place. Mourners literally sit for seven days, hence sitting shiva. 

Not all Jews sit shiva for seven days. Though it’s common for Orthodox and practicing Conservative Jews to observe all seven, liberal and secular Jews often sit for between one and three days. This may have to do with work, school, and travel schedules. Some people observe just a few days because they are uncomfortable with the tradition and the attention, or to guard themselves from even deeper exhaustion.

If you or someone in your family is a member of a synagogue, you may find it meaningful to attend the Shabbat service during shiva to say the mourner’s kaddish. Some Conservative and most Orthodox synagogues have minyans—quorums of ten people (men in Orthodox settings) needed to say certain prayers including the kaddish—every day both morning and evening. If you don’t belong to a synagogue, but your loved one did, it might be meaningful—to both you and the congregation—to attend services and mourn with them. 

Where and When?

Shiva usually begins when family members arrive home after the burial. Shiva is most often held at the home of the deceased, especially if there are close relatives still living in that home. In cases where the deceased was living in an elder care facility, shiva is held at the home of a close relative or friend. If the deceased was well-known or had a lot of friends and admirers, shiva can be arranged in a larger, private space. It’s always a lovely touch if the venue is a good fit with the style or the interests of the deceased. We know someone who held a memorial service in a bowling alley, setting up and knocking down the pins in all lanes at the beginning and end of the ceremony! You might choose a private room in their favorite restaurant, an event space in a hotel, or a museum of which they were a patron. The venue should have sufficient tables and chairs, a sound system for remembrances and/or music, and food and beverage service if you choose to serve guests, though there is no obligation to do so. Let’s be honest though, there is no Jewish tradition where food is not a part of the equation. 

Whether you sit for one or seven days, you may want to put limits on the hours that people can come to share condolences. Many families choose to open their homes for a few hours in the afternoon and a few hours in the evening. 1 pm to 4 pm and 7 pm to 9:30 pm gives family members time to rest and eat in private while allowing guests ample time to visit.

Some people choose to arrange the timing of shiva around brief religious services so that the mourners have an opportunity to say kaddish, the Jewish mourners’ prayer. If you don’t know a rabbi or cantor who could lead the service, we can help you find one in our directory. 

Preparing the House

A shiva house is often prepared while mourners are at the funeral. Even if the house has been prepared earlier, someone is usually there at this time to accept food deliveries and prepare last-minute items. This could be a friend, someone from an errand-running or party-staffing service, or a distant relative. The person who stays home also serves to give the mourners peace of mind so they can focus on the difficult events of the day.  

As we mentioned, it’s customary for mourners to sit on low chairs or benches, which they likely already own; think entranceway or end of the bed benches or beach chairs. If these aren’t readily available, a hard backed, simple dining chair will also work. In addition to the chairs for the mourners, you may need to gather or order extra chairs for guests. If the deceased was a member of a synagogue, chances are that members of the congregation will bring over Shiva boxes for sitting. 

During the first seven days of mourning, vanity and personal image are downplayed. Of course, many mourners don’t feel like putting on makeup, doing their hair, or any of the other things they might normally do before seeing people. Remember that traditionally, mourners forgo shaving and wear ripped clothing. Many people choose to cover all of the mirrors in a shiva house, including those in the bedrooms and bathrooms. This can be accomplished easily with plastic table linen and painter’s tape. If you prefer a cleaner look, you might consider bedsheets. Though table linen is a nicer look, it is often too heavy, and you don’t want to have to keep fussing with it. Some people also choose to cover all photographs of people. Check in with your family or friends.

Arriving Home

It’s customary to set a pitcher of water, a basin, and some hand towels outside the home so that people coming directly from the cemetery can symbolically wash their hands. This comes from the tradition that being in contact with a dead body makes someone ritually impure. Though many modern Jews don’t believe in the idea of ritual impurity, washing hands can also be viewed as a break in time, separating the very difficult moments of burial from life moving forward.

The doors of a shiva house are left unlocked so that mourners can enter freely and not be bothered to answer the door for guests. If shiva will be held in a gated community or a large building where guests are customarily buzzed in, please arrange with management to have people allowed in without bothering the mourners.

If the funeral was overseen by a Jewish funeral home (a list of providers can be found here) they will provide a seven day candle which should be lit when the family arrives home.

The First Meal

When the mourners arrive, it is customary for neighbors to serve them a meal of condolence. If neighbors aren’t available, this can be provided by close family or friends. The meal doesn’t have to be elaborate, but usually includes certain menu items. Mourners are usually given eggs and vegetables, signs of growth and life, as well as coffee or tea. Some people also make lentil dishes, because of their nutritive properties, and because of their round shape, which symbolizes the cycle of life. Whether you make the meal yourself or have it catered, it’s important that the mourners are served by people who love them and will bring them comfort.

To Feed or Not to Feed

Food, often found in abundance in Jewish homes and at Jewish celebrations, has become the subject of controversy at shiva homes. Originally provided by friends, neighbors, and coworkers  so that the mourners don’t have to prepare meals for themselves, it has become an expectation among guests that there will be lavish deli and dessert trays. Of course, you want people to be able to show their love and support through gifts of food. Unlike Christian and other faith traditions, flowers are not commonly sent to Jewish funeral homes or houses of mourning. Food, as well as donations to charities important to the deceased, are much more common ways to care for the living and honor the deceased. In order to better manage what is coming into the house at any given time, consider using a meal-sharing site such as www.mealtrain.com. If you choose to put food out for the mourners, consider hiring staff to set up, break down, and to make sure trays are refilled and empty plates are picked up.

Remember the words of my grandma (who was smarter than anyone in the family): nor af simchas. You should only know happiness.

We hope to see you in better times.