It’s the most wonderful time of the year and it’s almost here! 

Okay, so the holidays are not exactly an event, but we do think that the amount of planning, shopping and stress that it causes does entitle us to give it a fair mention. 

Am I right? 

There is no denying that the holiday frenzy is very easy to get caught up in. The lights, the gifts, the food! 

When you are in an interfaith household, the holidays will also come with their own unique challenges and possibly double the shpilkes, particularly if your kids are at the age where they start asking questions. Santa questions, tree questions, family questions. Lots of questions.

Whether you are fully embracing the festive spirit in your home or not, chances are questions at some point will come up regarding Santa’s existence — particularly if he doesn’t make a stop at your home.

We spoke to Robbin McManne, Parenting Coach, founder of Parenting For Connection and author of The Yelling Cure for some tips and advice on the holiday mishegas.

First thing, don’t panic!

If you have kids it’s always better to be prepared, knowing that questions are going to come. Considering in advance how you might address their curiosity will go a long way toward preventing them from seeing the terror in your eyes. 

Robbin advises that acknowledging their feelings is very important. Let your kids know that you understand it is hard and possibly disappointing for them. Be the sounding board for your children without judging them or criticizing them for how they feel. Listening to them and providing empathy will go a long way toward building trust in your relationship.

Empathy doesn’t mean that you have to agree with how they feel, just that you see their perspective. It doesn’t mean you have to fix anything for them. Validation might be all they need from you.

Ask them what they need

McManne says it’s okay to ask your children what they need as long as you are prepared for the answers. You can ask them how you can support them or what they need from you. The answer you receive might be “I need presents” or it could be “nothing, I just wanted to let you know.”  The bottom line is that they could come back with anything, but you still want to have the conversation and talk to them about how they are feeling. It’s important to them, so it should be important to you. 

This may not be the best time for a historical lesson on religion. If your kids are expressing some disappointment or sadness, a lecture will not make them feel better. 

It is, however, a great time to talk about family traditions. Maybe you’ve got some family heirlooms that only make appearances at the holidays. It may be a good time to go into the kitchen and whip up a holiday favorite together. McManne recommends taking your time. It’s not an emergency, and you don’t have to rush it.

Get the whole family in on the conversation and allow everyone in the house to voice an opinion about how the holiday can be meaningful to them. 

Set boundaries with extended family

Only you and your spouse should be making decisions on how you and your children will celebrate the holidays. This means that it might mean setting boundaries with your in-laws or extended family. Nobody else needs to be invited to make these family decisions. It’s up to you to decide how you celebrate the holidays, so do what works best for you. 

We all have family members who trigger us and maybe even make us feel disrespected and judged. Maybe they like your kids, maybe they don’t, maybe you’re worried about their opinion, maybe their kids are perfect. Or not.

All parents have their standards regarding what’s okay and what’s not okay. This is the standard by which I live by, and, you know, that’s sort of the greens fees in order to be in a relationship with me. When someone has pushed the boundary with you, you have to be willing (if you can, and I know it’s easier said than done) to say, no, actually that’s not okay with me.

Unfortunately, as humans, we’re all different and conflict is inevitable. And so we are faced with these people who we may or may not have good relationships with. Robbin suggests going into a situation knowing who’s going to be there, and if there is a history of them triggering you.  If there is, there’s an opportunity for you to grow and evolve, because what would life be like for you if this person no longer triggered you and their power was gone? Would you feel more free?  Would it feel a lot less stressful? 

Set your intention

 

One suggestion that McManne makes is to set an intention to not let them make you feel so small. Don’t let their comments upset you and to try visualize letting it literally roll off your back.  Setting an intention is power because it’s where your thoughts go, and your words and actions follow. So take a second to center yourself, be in charge of the energy you bring to the situation and set your intention.

Be aware of your feelings

Notice how you are feeling and what you are saying to yourself. McManne says just notice it.  You don’t have to judge it or criticize it. Just notice it. Notice what your internal dialogue is and then see if you can possibly see it from the other person’s point of view: how might they be interpreting the situation? What is going on for them? Maybe they’re stressed; maybe what they’re doing is putting their own pain on you. You may be able to see people in a whole different light and say, okay, you know what, it’s not even about me. And that’s actually the secret: it’s never about you. It’s always about the other person and where they are in their own mind and in their own state.

It’s only once a year

The holidays are a beautiful, special time of year. If you are able to manage expectations and prepare for some honest discussions then they won’t be looked at as a problem that needs to be solved. They can be about creating meaningful memories to look back on fondly.