Whether you are planning a Bris, Mitzvah, Wedding or Shiva the Mazel Mamas vendors listed below cater to Jewish families and are experienced as well in blended cultures. We are continually expanding our listings. If you would like to be included, or know someone who would, feel free to reach out to us at hello@mazelmamas.com.
The holidays present a unique challenge when we start talking about interfaith households. Joining me to share her insights on how to approach these difficult conversations is parenting coach Robbin McManne.
Robbin is the author of The Yelling Cure and host of the Parenting Our Future Podcast and she has a unique and brilliant way of approaching hard topics. More than anything she tells parents to start from a place of love and empathy.
We all love our kids, but we sometimes forget that they’re simply trying to find their place in this world. They don’t ask questions, most times, to be rude or annoying. They genuinely want to piece together their reality.
This process is made much more difficult when they start realizing that other people have completely different traditions and cultures and may not value the same things as them.
I’m asking Robbin the hard questions. Everything from how to discuss Santa Clause with your kids to ways to approach those difficult members of your family. Robbin is amazing at her work and she provides fantastic tips and insights on how we can make this time of year fun and fulfilling for our children and families.
Listen in to learn more.
[01:34] Welcome Robbin McManne of Parenting for Connection.
[02:30] How can we talk to our kids about the different holidays?
[05:39] Is this when you’d discuss different cultures and traditions?
[07:21] Robbin shares her thoughts on using food to share different traditions.
[08:32] What are some different ways that interfaith families can bridge the gap between traditions so no one feels marginalized?
[12:13] How can we create productive conversations around the tree?
[14:15] My husband and I only put things on our tree that have deeper meaning for us.
[16:07] Learn ways you can deal with family members who may judge you for your lifestyle.
[21:48] How to deal with people crossing your boundaries in relation to your children.
[25:47] Honesty is the best policy with most people.
[26:50] Can we manage our children’s expectations around gifts and gift giving?
[32:01] Why the holidays are a great time to introduce giving back and philanthropy.
The Yelling Cure by Robbin McManne
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There’s no better way to kick off this podcast than with my mama, Shellie. She joins me to chat all about the Jewish events she’s had and held in her life and how they’ve changed over the years. Listen in to hear all of her amazing snark and sass while we dive into all of our events from Bris to Shiva.
Shellie was born in the Bronx but was brought up in Queens to an amazing family with a very happy childhood. She decided not to have a Bat Mitzvah because she was so shy. She did not want to be the center of attention at all.
Despite her deep attraction to a nice looking Italian boy, she found the love of her life in my dad. They had a big Kosher Jewish ceremony at the temple and she loved it. Sadly, my dad’s father passed away just five weeks prior to their wedding, but she was still happy to be starting a new journey.
Not too long after that, they were having a naming ceremony for me. They didn’t get to do it in for the first few weeks because I was in the hospital for a while as a premie, but when my brother Larry came, we had a Bris!.
Fast-forward to my 13th birthday and mama was planning her very first Bat Mitzvah. Since mom didn’t have a Bat Mitzvah, it’s hard to tell if mine was significantly different, but they’ve definitely changed since mine!
Listen in to learn why my brother Larry’s Bar Mitzvah was so long and why my wedding was super easy for mom to plan but much more difficult for me.
Mama always says she wouldn’t change a thing about her life. She has no regrets and she’s still unbelievably happy even though we have had to plan and celebrate a Shiva as well. We had so much fun taking a trip down memory lane.
Hope you enjoy it as much as we did!
[01:20] Meet my sassy mama Shellie.
[02:18] Learn more about her childhood and her family.
[04:49] Did she ever date someone who wasn’t Jewish?
[06:30] How did dad ask her to marry him?
[08:16] They had a big traditional kosher wedding.
[09:29] She shares her experience buying her wedding dress.
[10:48] Dad’s dad passed away just before their wedding. Hear the story.
[13:34] The next Jewish ceremony was a baby naming for me.
[14:22] For my brother Larry they had a Bris.
[15:23] Jump 13 years and we had our very first Bat Mitzvah.
[17:07] The Jewish faith has changed a lot since the 80s with regard to the role of women.
[18:06] Why Larry’s Bar Mitzvah was so long and made the boys get a bit rowdy.
[20:27] Did mama have any regrets? Would she change anything?
[21:24] What was the process like for planning our ceremonies?
[22:25] These days the process is much different.
[23:12] Planning my wedding was a bit different because I was already in the event planning business.
[26:02] How pre-wedding counseling has changed from mama’s wedding to mine.
[27:25] What were some of mama’s favorite memories from events that we’ve had?
[28:56] We talk about daddy’s Shiva.
The place for Jewish moms (and those who love them) planning their Jewish Milestone events. From Bris to Shiva and everything in between. Jewish moms are legendary for a reason. We honor them, we celebrate them and we love every single opinionated, inappropriate, guilt inducing second of their overbearing love.
So, If your Jewish is more cultural than congregational there is no judgement here. Reform, Conservative, unaffiliated, interfaith, single or same sex, We are here for it with support, inspiration, and resources galore. We’ll have experts that have dealt with every kind of delicate family dynamic, along with some notable names. So grab a coffee, some cake and join the conversation.
This is Mazel Mamas.
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Although not a joyous occasion, the Jewish tradition of sitting shiva is the final tradition and way of honoring the most important people. Information on the how and the why of this custom is detailed for those facing this challenging time.
First, we are sorry you’re here. Of course we’re glad you’re here getting the information and support you need at this difficult moment. As my Jewish grandma would say, nor af simchas, which roughly translates to you should only have happiness.
But you’re here and we’re here, so we’d like to help.
When a close relative—mother, father, sister, brother, son, daughter, or spouse—dies, Jews follow a number of traditions. You may have seen someone wearing a black ribbon with a small tear in it after the death of a loved one. Many years ago, Jewish people would rend the clothes they were wearing when they learned of the death of one of the relatives mentioned above. This is still common practice in the Orthodox Jewish community. In more liberal Jewish communities, the ribbon symbolizes the torn clothing and serves as an outward symbol of mourning.
Perhaps the most well-known tradition associated with Jewish death and mourning—and the place where you can be the most help—is the practice of sitting shiva, which was first mentioned thousands of years ago in the Torah.
Shiva is the Hebrew word for seven. After burial, Jewish families live in an acute stage of mourning for seven days—not working, not greeting guests, not shaving, or doing much more than the minimum needed to sustain life. It’s customary for the mourners to sit on low stools or benches or even the ground, a physical reminder that the death has brought them to a low place. Mourners literally sit for seven days, hence sitting shiva.
Not all Jews sit shiva for seven days. Though it’s common for Orthodox and practicing Conservative Jews to observe all seven, liberal and secular Jews often sit for between one and three days. This may have to do with work, school, and travel schedules. Some people observe just a few days because they are uncomfortable with the tradition and the attention, or to guard themselves from even deeper exhaustion.
If you or someone in your family is a member of a synagogue, you may find it meaningful to attend the Shabbat service during shiva to say the mourner’s kaddish. Some Conservative and most Orthodox synagogues have minyans—quorums of ten people (men in Orthodox settings) needed to say certain prayers including the kaddish—every day both morning and evening. If you don’t belong to a synagogue, but your loved one did, it might be meaningful—to both you and the congregation—to attend services and mourn with them.
Shiva usually begins when family members arrive home after the burial. Shiva is most often held at the home of the deceased, especially if there are close relatives still living in that home. In cases where the deceased was living in an elder care facility, shiva is held at the home of a close relative or friend. If the deceased was well-known or had a lot of friends and admirers, shiva can be arranged in a larger, private space. It’s always a lovely touch if the venue is a good fit with the style or the interests of the deceased. We know someone who held a memorial service in a bowling alley, setting up and knocking down the pins in all lanes at the beginning and end of the ceremony! You might choose a private room in their favorite restaurant, an event space in a hotel, or a museum of which they were a patron. The venue should have sufficient tables and chairs, a sound system for remembrances and/or music, and food and beverage service if you choose to serve guests, though there is no obligation to do so. Let’s be honest though, there is no Jewish tradition where food is not a part of the equation.
Whether you sit for one or seven days, you may want to put limits on the hours that people can come to share condolences. Many families choose to open their homes for a few hours in the afternoon and a few hours in the evening. 1 pm to 4 pm and 7 pm to 9:30 pm gives family members time to rest and eat in private while allowing guests ample time to visit.
Some people choose to arrange the timing of shiva around brief religious services so that the mourners have an opportunity to say kaddish, the Jewish mourners’ prayer. If you don’t know a rabbi or cantor who could lead the service, we can help you find one in our directory.
A shiva house is often prepared while mourners are at the funeral. Even if the house has been prepared earlier, someone is usually there at this time to accept food deliveries and prepare last-minute items. This could be a friend, someone from an errand-running or party-staffing service, or a distant relative. The person who stays home also serves to give the mourners peace of mind so they can focus on the difficult events of the day.
As we mentioned, it’s customary for mourners to sit on low chairs or benches, which they likely already own; think entranceway or end of the bed benches or beach chairs. If these aren’t readily available, a hard backed, simple dining chair will also work. In addition to the chairs for the mourners, you may need to gather or order extra chairs for guests. If the deceased was a member of a synagogue, chances are that members of the congregation will bring over Shiva boxes for sitting.
During the first seven days of mourning, vanity and personal image are downplayed. Of course, many mourners don’t feel like putting on makeup, doing their hair, or any of the other things they might normally do before seeing people. Remember that traditionally, mourners forgo shaving and wear ripped clothing. Many people choose to cover all of the mirrors in a shiva house, including those in the bedrooms and bathrooms. This can be accomplished easily with plastic table linen and painter’s tape. If you prefer a cleaner look, you might consider bedsheets. Though table linen is a nicer look, it is often too heavy, and you don’t want to have to keep fussing with it. Some people also choose to cover all photographs of people. Check in with your family or friends.
It’s customary to set a pitcher of water, a basin, and some hand towels outside the home so that people coming directly from the cemetery can symbolically wash their hands. This comes from the tradition that being in contact with a dead body makes someone ritually impure. Though many modern Jews don’t believe in the idea of ritual impurity, washing hands can also be viewed as a break in time, separating the very difficult moments of burial from life moving forward.
The doors of a shiva house are left unlocked so that mourners can enter freely and not be bothered to answer the door for guests. If shiva will be held in a gated community or a large building where guests are customarily buzzed in, please arrange with management to have people allowed in without bothering the mourners.
If the funeral was overseen by a Jewish funeral home (a list of providers can be found here) they will provide a seven day candle which should be lit when the family arrives home.
When the mourners arrive, it is customary for neighbors to serve them a meal of condolence. If neighbors aren’t available, this can be provided by close family or friends. The meal doesn’t have to be elaborate, but usually includes certain menu items. Mourners are usually given eggs and vegetables, signs of growth and life, as well as coffee or tea. Some people also make lentil dishes, because of their nutritive properties, and because of their round shape, which symbolizes the cycle of life. Whether you make the meal yourself or have it catered, it’s important that the mourners are served by people who love them and will bring them comfort.
Food, often found in abundance in Jewish homes and at Jewish celebrations, has become the subject of controversy at shiva homes. Originally provided by friends, neighbors, and coworkers so that the mourners don’t have to prepare meals for themselves, it has become an expectation among guests that there will be lavish deli and dessert trays. Of course, you want people to be able to show their love and support through gifts of food. Unlike Christian and other faith traditions, flowers are not commonly sent to Jewish funeral homes or houses of mourning. Food, as well as donations to charities important to the deceased, are much more common ways to care for the living and honor the deceased. In order to better manage what is coming into the house at any given time, consider using a meal-sharing site such as www.mealtrain.com. If you choose to put food out for the mourners, consider hiring staff to set up, break down, and to make sure trays are refilled and empty plates are picked up.
Remember the words of my grandma (who was smarter than anyone in the family): nor af simchas. You should only know happiness.
We hope to see you in better times.
Jewish moms are known to have strong opinions, but when grandma wants to be heard, it’s best to brace yourself, because it could become a whole gantseh megillah!
It’s a hot topic of conversation at the supermarket, the salon, and at social gatherings.
Your friends’ children have come of age, setting off a burst of bar and bat mitzvah talk. Fellow grandmas take turns sharing photos of their precious prides and joys to the accompaniment of kvelling and commentary on their own contributions to the festivities. This one rented a magnificent venue for the party. That one is taking their family to Israel. Another one chose to mark the milestone with a safari.
Of course, you’re proud of everything that your grandchildren do—tennis, dance, piano, the whole kaboodle—but you have to admit, it would be nice to kvell a little in public and show off your beautiful family.
So you’d like your grandson or granddaughter to celebrate a bar or bat mitzvah, but you’re not sure where to start. Times have changed since you were planning events for your own children. In as long as it takes to drink your morning coffee, we’ll tell you everything you need to know to get your grandkiddo ready for the big day.
Your children and grandchildren come to your home for Jewish holidays and some of them even say they like the gefilte fish, but outside of an occasional bagel brunch, fumbling through the prayers every year come menorah lighting time, and having a few Jewish friends, they aren’t involved. The idea of a bar or bat mitzvah may seem wholly foreign to them, so you’ll have to choose the approach that’s right for you…and them. Here are three possibilities:
Your kids belong to the same club as you do or sit on the board of the same charity. Your grandchildren go to the school or the camp their parents attended. Perhaps you eat at the same restaurant every year before the Yom Kippur fast, even if few of you fast anymore. Bottom line is, the Jewish people have been following tradition for thousands of years and it’s given us a sense of belonging. A bar or bat mitzvah isn’t just a chance to celebrate, it could open a door to the love and support of a community for your grandchildren. Wouldn’t that be a wonderful, priceless legacy for you to hand down?
You’ve taught your grandkids the important Jewish value of respecting their elders and—let’s be honest—you give them a lot without asking for much. All you expect is a call or visit from time to time and to put their phones away at the dinner table. If your children haven’t chosen this for their children, you may have to use your powers of persuasion,and even sprinkle in a smidgeon of guilt for good measure!. It could be significant because your ancestors were survivors or emigrated to escape antisemitism and you want to honor the tradition they fought so hard for. Perhaps you were unable to become bat mitzvah at a time in American Jewish life when girls were considered less than and you don’t want your grandchildren to miss the opportunity you didn’t have. Maybe, like the necklace or ring that used to belong to your mother, it’s sentimental: you know how pleased and proud your own parents would be were they still alive. This is the time to be forthright and express your feelings. No need to walk on eggshells, but you don’t want to be a bull in a china shop either. Take the middle road. When it comes to your children’s children, make suggestions, not demands.
If your child is married to someone who isn’t Jewish, they and their family might worry that celebrating a bar or bat mitzvah means that they’ve chosen one side of the family over another. This is just not true. It’s not uncommon for a child to be raised with one Jewish parent and celebrate both Passover and Christmas. That doesn’t have to change.
Maybe the members of your mishpacha like to be trendsetters. They always know about the newest restaurants or buy the latest fashions before they’re hot. How would they like to be the first of their friends to celebrate this milestone? After their youngster aces the ceremony, they can party it up in style. If your grandchild loves Broadway, why not have Ben Platt (he had a bar mitzvah) or Lin Manuel Miranda (he was a bar mitzvah dancer) be the featured entertainment? Adam Sandler had Maroon 5 perform at his daughter’s bat mitzvah. The possibilities are endless.
The first place most people turn when thinking bar or bat mitzvah is a synagogue. Most are happy to welcome students at any point in their education. If you call a synagogue, ask to speak to the Director of Education; if the congregation is large, they may also have a membership director. If you choose this route, be prepared to have your grandchild in religious school for two years, even if it means they won’t celebrate until they’re 14 or 15. You should know that almost all synagogues will ask you to pay membership fees in addition to school fees, but no one minds if Grandma is the name on the books instead of Mom and Dad.
You can find synagogues for the major movements here: Conservative, Reconstructionist, and Reform. You also might consider Chabad, an Orthodox movement known for its openness and inclusivity. There are Chabad affiliates in hundreds of locations throughout the U.S. and most are willing to cater to your specific needs.
If the organized Jewish community isn’t your scene, you can employ a private tutor. With the growing popularity of Zoom and other video-chat platforms, you can find the best match for your grandchild anywhere in the world—tutors who range in experience from college student to rabbi and understand every child’s individual learning needs. If a child needs to learn everything phonetically, or learns better by ear than by sight, the right tutor will accommodate them.
Some tutors will help your grandchild master the essential prayers and teach them to chant Torah and haftarah. In this case, you may need to find someone to create and lead a service and provide a Torah. There are also full-service tutors who, in addition to teaching, can lead a service, provide prayer books and a Torah, and sometimes even a venue.
Speaking of venues, you may want to consider a raised platform with a microphone for the ceremony so that everyone can see your grandchild shine, a table on which to put all of their materials, and a microphone. They are much louder when hanging out with their friends than in front of an audience. Of course, the size of the room will depend on the guest list. Take some time to think about whether you want to invite your second cousin once removed and everyone who has ever invited you to a milestone event over the past ten years, or just invite close friends or family. These venues offer a variety of rooms and amenities.
Of course, there will be invitations. Whether you choose to go simple and elegant or send something lighthearted and fun, like the details printed on puzzle pieces or wrapped around a candy bar, a save-the-date card should arrive six to eight months before the event, and the invitation should arrive around eight weeks before the event. Order them from a pro or go modern and use a professional online service which will deliver immediately and collect electronic RSVPs.
With the details relatively squared away you’ll be able to spend lots of time shopping for the perfect outfit. After all, you are the Grandma!
Though Loehmann’s (may they rest in peace) closed all of its stores years ago, we’re sure you’ll know where to get the perfect outfit. While you’re shopping, don’t forget to buy a tallit for the bar or bat mitzvah and kippot (yarmulkes) for the guests. You can find every style of kippah, even ones that look like baseballs! If you want them personalized with your grandchild’s name, give them four to six months lead time.
We know we’ve just begun to talk about the party. We haven’t forgotten. It’s going to be the best. One for the ages. We’ll help you plan it in the next post.
