Jewish moms are known to have strong opinions, but when grandma wants to be heard, it’s best to brace yourself, because it could become a whole gantseh megillah! 

It’s a hot topic of conversation at the supermarket, the salon, and at social gatherings.

Your friends’ children have come of age, setting off a burst of bar and bat mitzvah talk. Fellow grandmas take turns sharing photos of their precious prides and joys to the accompaniment of kvelling and commentary on their own contributions to the festivities. This one rented a magnificent venue for the party. That one is taking their family to Israel. Another one chose to mark the milestone with a safari. 

Of course, you’re proud of everything that your grandchildren do—tennis, dance, piano, the whole kaboodle—but you have to admit, it would be nice to kvell a little in public and show off your beautiful family.

So you’d like your grandson or granddaughter to celebrate a bar or bat mitzvah, but you’re not sure where to start. Times have changed since you were planning events for your own children. In as long as it takes to drink your morning coffee, we’ll tell you everything you need to know to get your grandkiddo ready for the big day.

Telling the Family

Your children and grandchildren come to your home for Jewish holidays and some of them even say they like the gefilte fish, but outside of an occasional bagel brunch, fumbling through the prayers every year come menorah lighting time, and having a few Jewish friends, they aren’t involved.  The idea of a bar or bat mitzvah may seem wholly foreign to them, so you’ll have to choose the approach that’s right for you…and them. Here are three possibilities:

It’s tradition

Your kids belong to the same club as you do or sit on the board of the same charity. Your grandchildren go to the school or the camp their parents attended. Perhaps you eat at the same restaurant every year before the Yom Kippur fast, even if few of you fast anymore. Bottom line is, the Jewish people have been following tradition for thousands of years and it’s given us a sense of belonging. A bar or bat mitzvah isn’t just a chance to celebrate, it could open a door to the love and support of a community for your grandchildren. Wouldn’t that be a wonderful, priceless legacy for you to hand down?

It’s important to grandma 

You’ve taught your grandkids the important Jewish value of respecting their elders and—let’s be honest—you give them a lot without asking for much. All you expect is a call or visit from time to time and to put their phones away at the dinner table. If your children haven’t chosen this for their children, you may have to use your powers of persuasion,and even sprinkle in a smidgeon of guilt for good measure!. It could be significant because your ancestors were survivors or emigrated to escape antisemitism and you want to honor the tradition they fought so hard for. Perhaps you were unable to become bat mitzvah at a time in American Jewish life when girls were considered less than and you don’t want your grandchildren to miss the opportunity you didn’t have. Maybe, like the necklace or ring that used to belong to your mother, it’s sentimental: you know how pleased and proud your own parents would be were they still alive. This is the time to be forthright and express your feelings. No need to walk on eggshells, but you don’t want to be a bull in a china shop either. Take the middle road. When it comes to your children’s children, make suggestions, not demands.

If your child is married to someone who isn’t Jewish, they and their family might worry that celebrating a bar or bat mitzvah means that they’ve chosen one side of the family over another. This is just not true. It’s not uncommon for a child to be raised with one Jewish parent and celebrate both Passover and Christmas. That doesn’t have to change.

You’ll be the first 

Maybe the members of your mishpacha like to be trendsetters. They always know about the newest restaurants or buy the latest fashions before they’re hot. How would they like to be the first of their friends to celebrate this milestone?  After their youngster aces the ceremony, they can party it up in style. If your grandchild loves Broadway, why not have Ben Platt (he had a bar mitzvah) or Lin Manuel Miranda (he was a bar mitzvah dancer) be the featured entertainment? Adam Sandler had Maroon 5 perform at his daughter’s bat mitzvah. The possibilities are endless. 

Preparation

The first place most people turn when thinking bar or bat mitzvah is a synagogue. Most are happy to welcome students at any point in their education. If you call a synagogue, ask to speak to the Director of Education; if the congregation is large, they may also have a membership director. If you choose this route, be prepared to have your grandchild in religious school for two years, even if it means they won’t celebrate until they’re 14 or 15. You should know that almost all synagogues will ask you to pay membership fees in addition to school fees, but no one minds if Grandma is the name on the books instead of Mom and Dad.

You can find synagogues for the major movements here: Conservative, Reconstructionist, and Reform. You also might consider Chabad, an Orthodox movement known for its openness and inclusivity. There are Chabad affiliates in hundreds of locations throughout the U.S. and most are willing to cater to your specific needs.

If the organized Jewish community isn’t your scene, you can employ a private tutor. With the growing popularity of Zoom and other video-chat platforms, you can find the best match for your grandchild anywhere in the world—tutors who range in experience from college student to rabbi and understand every child’s individual learning needs. If a child needs to learn everything phonetically, or learns better by ear than by sight, the right tutor will accommodate them.

Some tutors will help your grandchild master the essential prayers and teach them to chant Torah and haftarah. In this case, you may need to find someone to create and lead a service and provide a Torah. There are also full-service tutors who, in addition to teaching, can lead a service, provide prayer books and a Torah, and sometimes even a venue.

Speaking of venues, you may want to consider a raised platform with a microphone for the ceremony so that everyone can see your grandchild shine, a table on which to put all of their materials, and a microphone. They are much louder when hanging out with their friends than in front of an audience. Of course, the size of the room will depend on the guest list. Take some time to think about whether you want to invite your second cousin once removed and everyone who has ever invited you to a milestone event over the past ten years, or just invite close friends or family. These venues offer a variety of rooms and amenities.

Of course, there will be invitations. Whether you choose to go simple and elegant or send something lighthearted and fun, like the details printed on puzzle pieces or wrapped around a candy bar, a save-the-date card should arrive six to eight months before the event, and the invitation should arrive around eight weeks before the event. Order them from a pro or go modern and use a professional online service which will deliver immediately and collect electronic RSVPs.

With the details relatively squared away you’ll be able to spend lots of time shopping for the perfect outfit.  After all, you are the Grandma! 

Though Loehmann’s (may they rest in peace) closed all of its stores years ago, we’re sure you’ll know where to get the perfect outfit. While you’re shopping, don’t forget to buy a tallit for the bar or bat mitzvah and kippot (yarmulkes) for the guests. You can find every style of kippah, even ones that look like baseballs! If you want them personalized with your grandchild’s name, give them four to six months lead time.

We know we’ve just begun to talk about the party. We haven’t forgotten. It’s going to be the best. One for the ages. We’ll help you plan it in the next post.